I wasted good satire

Sent in by Bryan B

Why is it that fundamentalists have to have a complete lack of sense of humor? Why is it so hard for them to detect shades of sarcasm, or hints of mockery? I guess the reason I'm asking is because I sent a satirical letter to Answers in Genesis, and it went like this:

"Dear Creationists, I, like you, am offended at the exclusive teachings of evolution in public schools. I feel it is important for students to critically consider both sides (creation and evolution), not to be brainwashed by one side.

As a member of the native Kiowa Apache tribe, I take pride in our creation story, which never changes, no matter what other men say. I still believe the world was formed by a creator mixing the sweat of 4 different gods, and a tarantula pulling cords to make the earth its present size. Secular scientists say there is no proof of this, but unbiased Kiowa Apache scientists have found just the opposite!

Also, our sacred teachings predicted that many people would find this story foolish, and surprise, surprise! They were right, which helps prove our theory. Please, how can we get society to look at evidence for both sides, (Kiowa origins and evolution), not just pure secular propaganda?"


Here is the reply they sent me (and yes I realize it's probably an automated response):

"Dear Bryan,

Thank you for contacting Answers in Genesis.

In order for people to truly consider creation as well as evolution, they need to have open minds and unfortunately, most do not.

If you have never read the Bible, I would encourage you to do so, also with an open mind. It was written over a period of approximately 2,000 years and yet without error. Only an omnipotent God could orchestrate that."


I also got a code enabling me to receive 10% off my next AiG purchase.

Either my comment went right over the editor's head, or they refuse to acknowledge any discussion to the effect that their backward-ass theories might be wrong. I mean Jesus, does battling every advancement in every scientific field mean you can't have any fun?

Anyway, I thought readers might appreciate this.

33 comments:

SpaceMonk said...

Maybe you could try Harun Yahya?

Anonymous said...

Your great satire was not wasted here!

I know some fundamentalists from the Bable Belt, and they share that humorless worldview for which they are famous. They would rather discuss how much they despise the world (too complex for them I suppose, too many shades of gray) and what heaven will be like for the believers.

I would add the Tibetan legend that monkeys are the forefathers of humans....

Anonymous said...

"It was written over a period of approximately 2,000 years and yet without error. Only an omnipotent God could orchestrate that."

The only miraculous thing here seems to be the amount of mistakes this person made in two sentences.

1. If only one person of average intelligence had 2000 years to write one book, 2000 years to read, re-read, review everything he wrote, I am pretty sure he would not make a single mistake. Now, here you have a huge number of people writing that same book for the same period of time, each of those people in charge of only one portion of that book, with a long enough period of time to write it and eliminate all mistakes; and yet we are supposed to be surprised if we find no mistakes in it (even though we do)? To fail to make a mistake in a book when you have 2000 years to write it is no miracle and certainly does not require Divine assistance.

2.Biblical inerrancy is applied only to the original manuscripts; we do not have the original manuscripts, therefore Biblical inerrancy in not an observable phenomenon and the claim that the Bible is inerrant in the original manuscripts cannot be examined and verified; which means that it is not a scientific claim, but an article of faith; which means that every time a know-nothing evangelical asks you to "examine" the Bible and its inerrancy, he is lying to you deliberately and without shame (but hey, he loves you!) and trying to deceive you into accepting his religion on faith and without evidence, because, as stated above, Biblical inerrancy cannot be examined.

I know most of you already know this, but it just makes me sick when people stick to lies no matter how obvious it is to everyone that they are lies, and nothing more...

Anonymous said...

Two thousand years to complete his document, and he's supposed to be all powerful? Maybe I should have used that excuse in school when my term paper was late...

Anonymous said...

Christians are incapable of understanding context. This is why most jokes will fly right over their heads, why intelligent discourse is beyond them. These characteristics are a sure sign of the mental illness that religious belief brings about. That your great satire was wasted on a person suffering from mental illness is no surprise.

What does surprise me is, even though you proclaimed belief in a non-Christian God, the responder took no time to chastise you or call out what they thought was wrong with your belief.

*shrugs*

But, then again, Christians have been known to make new friends when necessary.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I always appreciate a little humor!

Did you know ATHEIST spells EATSHIT?

Hahahahaha!!!!!!!

Just kidding around!

fjell said...

I would guess the recipient of the letter perhaps suspected you were being disingenuous but of course could not prove it, and so, unwilling to chastise a belief which seemed "faked", he or she decided instead to simply forward his or her own belief.

I'unno!

fjell

fjell said...

Kansas asked: "Did you know ATHEIST spells EATSHIT?"

What do you mean, "did we know?" Course we knew.

Works every time. We constructed the term so that anyone attempting to pick apart and rearrange the letters in our "label" finds, at the end, our fitting little hidden message to them.

fjell

Anonymous said...

Bunker Fucker:

Is the "EATSHIT" anagram supposed to be insulting? Because it's not. If anything, your foaming-at-the-mouth reaction to it causes me to raise an eyebrow more than the fact that "EATSHIT" is an anagram for ATHEIST. One can rearrange any number of words to spell different things. This might be good for a chuckle, but your raving lunacy over a simple anagram is nothing short of frightening. It's an anagram, buddy; a jumble of words. if that's the best you have to offer in your counter to atheism, well, I'm just going to have to go ahead and not be intimidated.

One cannot spell CHRIST without "SHIT," as another posted pointed out. While the average Christians will no doubt find that insulting, hre are much better proofs against the existence of Jesus Christ than that. So much better proofs, in fact, that I actually feel a little bit silly for pointing out the anagram in the first place. But hey, if it gives you shits and giggles . . . 8srhugs* . . . good for you. Christians can only EAT SHIT in the presence of ATHEISTS.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, and do we know that there is a "lie" in "belief"? Go back to your bunker. You are no doubt used to living in darkness anyway.

Richard S. Russell said...

Well, this is the 1st time I've poked my nose into this particular discussion, so it's entirely possible that the veterans here know more about the Kansas Bunker poster than I do, but I had an entirely different reaction to the EATSHIT post.

The purpose of this thread, it seemed to me, was to show that fundies don't have a sense of humor but that atheists do. So Bunker throws in this observation that ATHEIST is an anagram for EAT SHIT (something I'd never noticed before), and I got a good chuckle out of it.

I thot my fellow atheists would do likewise. Instead, somewhat to my consternation, they got all bristly and offended, just the same as a Xian would if you pointed out that the Virgin Mary was probably just some teenage girl who'd been messing around with her boyfriend Joe but was blessed with a quick wit and gullible parents.

It's a JOKE, people!

I think the best response was the poster who said that it was our secret code for telling the fundies what we thot of them.

My own modest effort at atheist evangelism is called "The Sacred Book of Kush", the size of a credit card but with everything the Bible has, including arrogance, stupidity, threats, promises, circular reasoning, jealousy, and sales pitches for the priesthood. It claims to have been revealed to Kush's prophet, one Rocko S. Fitch. Those who take the time to delve just a tad deeper will discover that the name is an anagram for "crock of shit". In just such a self-deprecating way do I choose to make fun of the original as well as of the parody.

If anyone wants me to e-mail to them a PDF file of the 1-page "Book of Kush", for purposes of reproduction and distribution to the fundies near you (including the ones who arrive unbidden at your doorstep) you may reach me at RichardSRussell@tds.net.

Anonymous said...

Hey, trancelation, you obviously have no sense of humour!

Its just a little joke, but EATSHIT if you don't like it, ATHEIST!

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Richard, hi.

The bunker dweller is most likely a certain tiresome little xian who comes in here now and then. He has posted under a variety of names, and his favorite was Emmanuel Goldstein. This character is out of 1984 and is the (possibly imaginary) leader of the resistance. We gave him the name "goldie". He also has posted under the name "atheists suck".

Goldie's favorite posting is the repetitious accusation that atheists are murderers--He chants the names Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot like a litany. He is no doubt defensive about the horrors, both in and out of the bible, of divinely-inspired brutality.

This bunker shit is a new one, but not surprising. He feels himself embattled against the atheist conspiracy, and needs to insult atheism's premier minds. As I remember, he kept reminding us that Nietszche went insane from syphilis.

About our responses: this screwball loves it. He'll be back for more--it's like a fix.

Anyway, glad to have met you. Your name caught my eye. I knew a 1st Lt Richard Russell at Ft Hood.

Anonymous said...

That foxhole shit came in right ahead of mine while I was typing. See what I mean?

goldie, thanx for sharing the love of your jesus with us. But we do not need it. We got enough of that back in the churches, and some of us still have the stench in our nostrils.

I wish I had been assigned to crucifixion detail. That little bastard wouldn't have walked out of his grave when I was finished with him.

boomSLANG said...

The purpose of this thread, it seemed to me, was to show that fundies don't have a sense of humor but that atheists do. So Bunker throws in this observation that ATHEIST is an anagram for EAT SHIT (something I'd never noticed before), and I got a good chuckle out of it.

For me, I could appreciate Bunker-boy's attempt at "humor" at little more if the word "Atheist" had two "i"s in it's spelling. In other words, it could be, "I Eat Shit".

But of course, there's only one "i" in "Atheist"....and thus, when the best a Christian can do in their fight against Atheism is to scramble the letters of "Atheist" around to make another word, the first thing that stares back at them is "EAT SHIT".

LMAO!!!! Aaah, the sweet justice of irony!

webmdave said...

It'd be funny (atheist = eat shit) if we hadn't heard it repeated by this kooky poster so many times already.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Goldie
Goldie who?
Goldie who lives in his mother's basement and spams websites around the world with Christian hatred in order to honor and glorify the Lard Gawd.

Funny joke, huh?

fjell said...

I guess, Foxhole, it would be appropriate to share with you that, and this may come as a shock, THEIST also spells ET SHIT - "et" being an alternate past-tense form of "ate" (See first entry HERE), a form still in wide use in parts of England and much of Ireland. Have Theists in these places eaten shit? The anagram seems to unmistakably suggest that this is precisely what they have done. I know you believe in the authority of anagrams so I understand that you already agree with me on this. Thanks for kicking yourself in the ass. It makes laughing at you much easier.

See you!

fjell

Richard S. Russell said...

No shit!? This guy actually believes that HITLER was an atheist? Wow! I guess there's no end to the theistic capacity for self-delusion.

Rob. said...

Before the hijacking goes any further, I think ALL religions should dust off their creation stories and demand equal time. That way it is not just the Pastafarians having to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to keeping Intelligent Design out of the science classroom.

Anonymous said...

"Foxhole Atheist":

Uhh . . . I actually have no respone for this. Just . . . wow. I think we have officially reached the point of pointlessness.

Aspentroll said...

I decided not to comment on this one.......wait a minute I just did...shit.

Anonymous said...

I too have observed the pretty well undisputed fact that fundamentalists have little/no sense of humor. A superficial viewing of Christian television (such as the Steve and Kathy Show for example) and their attempts at being upbeat, contemporary and appealing to secular audiences is all that is necessary to confirm this hypothesis.

I think what is at the heart of this apparent defect is a lack of the ability to grasp any sense of metaphor, a quality that is present in most higher forms of humor. After all, if you insist on the literal interpretation of a Babylonian flood story, a not terribly creative creation myth, and a virgin birth as real, not metaphorical, it gives you a distinct handicap when trying to compose and understand anything beyond only the broadest, forms of loutish humor.

Of course the most obvious manifestation of this inability to grasp metaphor is found in the assertions of Biblical Science, or as I like to call it: BS.

Interesting blog …keep it up.

Bob Boldt

Unknown said...

There are over 100 Anagrams for ATHEIST, a few are:

Ah I Test
A Tithes
Ate This
Ate Hits
Eat This
A She Tit
East Hit

webmdave said...

That's hilarious, Joe.

Anonymous said...

Hey, where's a roll of holy toilet paper... Me Shit = Theism

Anonymous said...

Goldie = God Lie

eel_shepherd said...

bbolt wrote:
"...I think what is at the heart of this apparent defect [humourlessness] is a lack of the ability to grasp any sense of metaphor,..."

Douglas Coupland, in one of his bits of marginalia in "Generation X", coins a new word. "Metaphasia: the inability to perceive metaphor." I used to chalk it up to the effects of television, but the unrelenting earnestness of Xtianity is just as effective a tool for pithing the satire appreciation lobe of the brain.

I notice that the AiG response to the topic poster came with a 10%-off coupon for some of their merch. The real religion of these people is always discernible just under the surface. Even cats stop licking their asses once in a while, but not these guys.

Anonymous said...

I once heard Oliver Sachs say that one of the lesser known and regarded aftereffects of amnesia is the inability to understand metaphor. I am not sure how this pertains to this discussion, but I pass it along as perhaps having some interest. After all, what’s a metaphor?

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children are smart." Henry Mencken

Anonymous said...

I live in the heart of Missouri and have grown so tired of hearing so much of all this Christian crap about needing to have prayer in the public schools that I have finally caved to their position.

I only have a couple of conditions…

To my friends in the Christian community here in Jefferson City, MO:

I think prayer should be mandated in the public schools. In order to assure fairness and parity, and lest any group should feel excluded, each day of the week sacred to a particular religion should have a prayer germane to that faith and should contain some representative ceremonies celebrated by that religion.

The children of local Pagan and Wiccan groups (who consider every day of the week sacred) should be able to have a special area of the classroom sectioned off where they can offer incense and sacrifices of various animals and humans (where state law permits) sacred to the god (or goddess) of that particular day.

Since the Buddhists do not have a calendar based upon a traditional solar cycle, but utilize the moon for the appointment of sacred holidays and significant events, Moon’s day (or Monday) should be set aside for a twenty minute period of meditation. During this time, pupils should be ordered to empty their minds and not think of anything, an easy task for the students of most government schools.

Tuesday is the day that most cultures traditionally have dedicated to the War god, Mars. This would present an unparalleled opportunity for the students to contemplate our great nation and the offering of the sacrifice of the lives of so many to placate this fierce god. Military recruiters could pass out their propaganda at that time. Blood offerings (drawn from each student in advance by the school nurse) for this purpose may be offered up as part of this celebration.

Woden’s day (Wednesday) and Thor’s day (Thursday) could provide an unparalleled opportunity for some object history lessons concerning the lore and customs of the (superior) Nordic race. Perhaps members of the local Nazi Party could lead the services and Wagner selections might be played, followed by excursions into the surrounding neighborhoods for the purpose of rape, plunder and pillage.

Frigga’s day, Friday, or the day traditionally observed as the Muslim’s holy day would be celebrated by the students facing Mecca for prayers (five times in the day).

Unfortunately the two days when the children might be able to worship and pray to the Jewish deity (Saturn’s day, the traditional day sacred to the Hebrew god, JHWH) and the Man/god, Jesus (Son’s day, sacred to the Son or Sun god, or Jeshua ben Joseph) fall on the week end and will have to be honored in a manner chosen by the students themselves. Sorry, them’s the brakes.

Somehow I suspect such an equitable enforcement of such an ordinance may find few advocates among those of you who wish to make Christianity the official religion of Amerika and the world. I offer it only in the spirit of compromise and accommodation. After all we need some kind of religion in the schools, if only to give our students a chance to pray for health care, adequate funding for education and the survival of the public school system itself. Lots of luck!

Yours in Christ!

Bob Boldt

Anonymous said...

"Here is the reply they sent me (and yes I realize it's probably an automated response)"

Just like all of God's answers. They are automated.

Anonymous said...

From a basement bunker deep in Kansas atheist territory said...

Hey, I always appreciate a little humor!

Did you know ATHEIST spells EATSHIT?

Hahahahaha!!!!!!!

Just kidding around!

Geez dude, how many more freaking times are you going to post that on here?

Let me ask you a question that William Shatner asked someone on Saturday Night Live many years ago.

"have you ever kissed a girl?"

Anonymous said...

A basement bunker deep in Kansas atheist territory.

I think the "Basement Bunker" is actually your mom and dad's basement apartment where you still live.

Anonymous said...

We have now found proof that Jesus really did come to earth and that God existed. Yes, it's true.

We have found the ancient remains of the out house where Jesus used the bathroom while he was here on earth, and we found an ancient turd that we think came out of his ass 2,000 years ago.

We have named it, "Holy Shit".

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