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Monday, January 23, 2006                                                                                       View Comments

I hardly know what to believe any more

I never thought I would find a site like this one - but its a comfort to know that there is one. Just reading a letter where someone mentioned Philip Yancey's book "Disappointment with God" and that pretty well sums it up for me too. So much has gone wrong since I became a Christian.

I know there have been some very poignant moments in my Christian life, and I can't forget those times, but generally speaking, the quality of my life seems to have deteriorated since becoming a Christian and I have suffered from major depression as a result of this deterioration.

I am told that this deterioration is a result of either curses or being under demonic attack. My anxiety levels have also definitely risen since becoming a Christian and I am fed up with just how complicated and scary it is to actually be a Christian. I hardly know what to believe any more, since every message is different.

I wish it were just so simple and there were no complications or talk of spiritual attacks or demons or having to develop a higher conscience. Why can't life be so simple and loving, instead of having to watch my p's and q's all the time and worry about what demon is looking over my shoulder or what curses are over my life! I am tired of the whole damn lot!!

I have walked away a number of times from the whole christian scene and I have been terrified of taking my life in my own hands, but I wanted to do that just to negate all my christian experiences. Fear keeps me bound in most of the time, but I wish I could just neutralise all the toxic messages from the countless of sermons I have been under and just be nothing - not a christian or anything - just me again without all this extra burden.

And another thing, I can't even have a normal conversation with most of my christian friends, since everything that they say seems to be so spiritual and there is so much left unsaid - I can never be myself!

Chris Lines