A struggling agnostic asks for advice

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From Struggling Agnostic

I became a Christian when I was in high school, and contrary to all other testimonies I've heard, my life had been perfect to that point, and I didn't accept Christ only when my life came crushing down. It's been about 5 years now, and being disappointed with the faith, and going through some serious depression and religious type of OCD, I've come to the decision that I don't want to believe in Christianity anymore and let go of old beliefs.

I was successful at doing that for a week, however a few days later I experienced somewhat of a relapse similar to what alcoholics or people with depression experience. The information I read on this site against Christianity and in the books I purchased no longer speaks to me and encourages me the way they did before. I feel once again that Christ must be real and I should re-dedicate my life to him. All negative commentary on the Bible is easy to rationalize as a false conclusion/interpretation from people who don't like God and who want Christianity to look bad, etc., etc.

I have some serious emotional problems, and going back to Christianity would do me a ton of damage that I don't know how to handle. I feel so alive when I forget about God and religion.

What keeps me believing is not the Bible, but some "spiritual" experiences I had when it seemed like God was talking to me through other people. I used to go to a Pentecostal church and had people prophesy over me, and it seemed like God was talking to me through my youth leader. He said the problems I am going through are God's way of making me stronger. And the thing is, he didn't know about what was going on in my life, but what he said made perfect sense, and he himself didn't know why he said what he said. It was a spontaneous moment when he felt like saying that.

Also, one day when visiting my friend and already having some negative emotions towards Christianity, my friend's mom ended up sharing with me how amazing it is to follow God, and she said that she didn't know why she ended up sharing that with me. I felt like God was talking to me through her, telling me not to lose hope and faith in him.

Also, there is the experience of the feeling presence of God, reading the Bible and truly seeing it as the Word of God speaking to my soul, special fellowship with others, experiencing some spiritual warfare, and hearing many testimonies of people getting healed and having visions, lives changed because of Christ, etc., etc... pretty much everything you hear in a charismatic church. That info does not allow me to let go, even though I want to and my head sees that life is better by not being religious. However, my 'heart' keeps giving me that same old emotion and kind of a 'conviction' from God, and it feels like He is trying to get my attention and tell me not to leave my faith.

Anyone have a suggestion? Anyone experienced anything similar? I really need some support guys. Life feels kind of shitty now, and I really don't know how to forget about my experience as a Christian in the past 5 years and come back to the type of life I lead before that -- to simply feel like myself and go about my own business without having to worry about eternal things.

Any encouragement will be appreciated, really.

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