Image by Funky64 via FlickrI'm going through a sincerely difficult time right now.
I have had an 'active faith' all my life. About two years ago I bought a major part of a collection of books from a theological seminary that was closing. The books were not only on Christianity, but also philosophy and Nature and many other topics that were similar.
To make a long story short, after being exposed to philosophers like Democritus, Pathagerus, Empedocles... all the way up to John Tyndall... I have lost my faith.
Today, and this is true, I went to a funeral for a gentle friend who was murdered by his lover of 21 years (who then committed suicide himself).
I am sitting in this Episcopal church... and my heart is ripped apart over the sadness and loss I am feeling.
And the minister begins to speak about how I should not think of my gentle and kind friend as being dead and that he is in heaven with Jesus, and that he died for us so we can all be together again one day. Then he says that when tragedies like this happen we just have to believe that god has a plan and there is reason for it, even though we can't see it.
I am hurting very badly right now because I know the odds are astronomical that I will never see my friend again... that there isn't a father up there looking out for his child like I was taught to belief... and that this life is probably all you ever get.
Maybe one of you good people, who's writings I've read on here, can tell me what to do with this excruciating pain that I am feeling.
I feel (and now am certain) that I've been lied to all my life... and I must accept the responsibility for never questioning all this before... but I don't know what to do with the hurt and pain I'm feeling.
I heard once that a famous scientist, on his deathbed, said the hardest part about dying was knowing that he would never see his beautiful wife again. But then, almost in the same breath, he was supposed to have said 'but I hope to be pleasantly surprised.'
You see, I'm so confused, especially after today. If there's one thing I've learned in these past two years of study, it's that I don't know. I don't know so many things... I used to think I was pretty smart.
And if I don't know... can't I still have hope there's something more?
I'm sorry I went on and on. I'll leave it here and hope somebody understands what I'm trying to say.
Hurting here... and trying to feel my way in the dark.