Sunday, February 08, 2009                                                                                       View Comments

Some questions...

A letter from sueetness

This is officially my first post - having accidentally briefly told my story on someone else's thread.

Since having reconnected with someone who is 'trying to save me' and having never in my life been religious, I find myself looking for signs. Like I want the answer to come to me, as I hear it comes to others through some event that makes them see that they NEED to accept Christ into their lives.

I do believe what happened to Jesus. I do believe that he was executed on a cross and I think it's a terrible story and one that happened to many people back in the day when humans were uncivilized savages with no minds of their own. When the ones who took power and control led Hitleresque regimes. I believe he was an amazing person who did have a mind of his own and whose dying wish was that no one should suffer as much as he.

I haven't read the bible. I have seen MANY people who claim to be Christian, doing terrible things - almost like they've been given a license to be cruel, because they will be forgiven.

I was okay where I was at, and always felt blessed in knowing that I wasn't a higher power, but in control of my own life. I had a handle on what was in my control and what wasn't and I lived with that. I felt that I was blessed with many fortunes and sometimes things were terrible, but I felt balanced in my thinking and beliefs. Then, I ended up living with a (non-practicing) Christian, alcoholic, and my life began to nose-dive almost immediately. This man went from being almost evil to being kind and loving, and back again and it became very confusing to me.

Now fast forward many years to meeting up with an old friend, who has since become a reverend and him 'praying for me' to repent my sins and become one with Jesus and God. So while my life has become pretty miserable, and I've lost that equilibrium I once had, you might see how I'm really vacillating. I'm feeling a pull from what seems like the lifeboat to save me versus living this disrupted life. YET - I was plugging my way through, comfortable in my own personal beliefs, until I got into this situation.

Am I this sinner who needs to be saved? Or am I this normal person, trying to lead a good life, but getting caught up in a bad situation? I've never been perfect, but I don't know anyone who has.

Even though I've made the decision and told the reverend that I have chosen not to 'be saved', I've still got that nagging feeling that the reverend has now given up on me as I have chosen to live my life as a sinner. I never thought of myself that way before. I've made some terrible mistakes and choices, but haven't we all? Isn't that part of just having to find our way in this world? How is it that some people say they've been given this insight into the world beyond, and we're supposed to believe that - sight unseen?

Sorry if this sounds disjointed. Any thoughts on this would be most appreciated.