Thanks for your open and honest testimony. It was helpful and I found some similarities (and some differences) with my own religious background. I am now in a "holding pattern" regarding Christian belief and practice, being in my mid-thirties with a young family and a busy job taking most of my time and headspace. However I have not given up on the idea of trying to come up with a world-view that makes more sense to me. Oh, I have dispatched with organised religious practice some time ago after spending 12 years in a cult (Herbert Armstrong's Worldwide Church of God). The de-programming continues...
For what it is worth, I have enjoyed reading Scott Peck's books. You may have read "The Road Less Travelled"? He is I guess an unconventional Christian with a background in Psychiatry. One of his theories of personal growth talks about four stages (bit like Fowler): chaos, formal religion, skepticism, mysticism. Originated with his observation over time that many of his patients with strong religious tendencies often left therapy as athiests/agnostics/skeptics, and vice versa. I'm in the skepticism bit I guess, and hoping that I might progress to mysticism if its more than just mindgames.
Out of interest, Peck is a believer in the "still, small voice of God" that 'talks to us'. Have you ever had the experience yourself of hearing a voice in your head that was not your own? I haven't myself as yet, and to be honest would be a bit worried if I did. How could I judge whose voice it might be? God or the devil? Or a second personality? (Shades of Gollum: My precious, we wants its...!!)
I sense that the larger questions of life cannot be answered until I die: either oblivion and therefore not a problem, or an afterlife to discover the answers. Not sure where that leaves me in terms of a logical way to live now. Morality mostly seems sensible. Trouble is, if you read Ravi Zacharias, that leads to God's existence as moral lawgiver. I seem to be stuck with acknowledging God exists but then having no way to adequately progress from that assertion to a way of life. Christian religion has failed me and relying on myself (or the Spirit, ahem) seems fraught with my imperfections. I have certainly not read as much as you have but my instincts are that much of my dilemma has been addressed by theologians and philosphers down through history. But clearly there has been no outright conclusion, just camps of opinion. Will have to read some more, won't I.
Well, that's my two bits. Take care of yourself.